today

my friend had an 18wk ultrasound done.

It's a reminder that if things had gone as planned I'd be 16weeks now.  It's hard.  She is so very excited (obviously) and I am happy for her, but her happy unfiltered comments make me feel terrible.  I get the tightness in my chest and feel like I am going to throw up.

She knows the situation and was around for my first m/c in 2009 and knows we have been trying since then.  I have mentioned that it's very hard for me to discuss her pregnancy even though i am happy for her, and yet I get told unsolicited items about the baby moving, and I know that if i ask her to stop it will hurt her feelings.  But it's soul crushing in its own way, I have to suck it up and pretend everything is fine for the sake of her happiness.

On a happier note: 5lbs down - still a huge ways to go - I gained 20lbs after the m/c and it doesn't want to depart - ugh!  Tomorrow I will start exercising again and fingers crossed it will help start shifting it more.  OMG only 5 weeks to go until the IVF cycle begins!