I have so much anger built up inside of me, at the injustice and unfairness of life. I have lost my faith that everything will turn out alright in the end, and I can feel that unhappiness penetrating right to my core.
Yes I have days where IF does not cross my mind, but little things here are there make my jealousy rear it's ugly head. Why do some people find it so easy to get pregnant, and others struggle for years. I love children and have wanted to be a mum for a very long time, but waited till we were in a stable phase in our lives and now I regret deeply that decision.
I hate the "what ifs" that run through my head, I hate the feeling of failure I get every time a close friend announces her pregnancy, I hate that I feel this way and I feel guilty for feeling envious of what my friends have. I hate the pitying looks I get, the "it'll happen someday for you", or the fear that parents-to-be have about telling us their joyful news.
Most of all I hate how IF makes me feel, and the power it has over my life.