Friday, 29 July 2011


I have so much anger built up inside of me, at the injustice and unfairness of life.  I have lost my faith that everything will turn out alright in the end, and I can feel that unhappiness penetrating right to my core.

Yes I have days where IF does not cross my mind, but little things here are there make my jealousy rear it's ugly head.  Why do some people find it so easy to get pregnant, and others struggle for years.  I love children and have wanted to be a mum for a very long time, but waited till we were in a stable phase in our lives and now I regret deeply that decision.

I hate the "what ifs" that run through my head, I hate the feeling of failure I get every time a close friend announces her pregnancy, I hate that I feel this way and I feel guilty for feeling envious of what my friends have.  I hate the pitying looks I get, the "it'll happen someday for you", or the fear that parents-to-be have about telling us their joyful news.

Most of all I hate how IF makes me feel, and the power it has over my life.


  1. IF has a way of taking the joy out of a lot of situations that should be joyful. I have gone through several different stages of anger and bitterness - angry at everything but mostly the injustice of it all. Angry that I waited until we were "ready" and that by the time we were ready it was too late for me (I have premature ovarian failure - few if any eggs).
    I hope that you are able to work through the anger - it will come and go (at least it did for me) and most importantly, don't give up! It is frustrating and painful, but eventually something WILL work and you will get to be a mom!

  2. I understand what you are feeling. I want to be happy for my friend who just had her baby, and I am. BUT, there's also a part of me that is so upset and sad and angry. The worst for me is when I hear about someone really young who got pregnant on accident and is upset about it. My husband and I did what you said you did. We waited until we were financially stable and emotionally ready to raise a family. Now, we're struggling to get pregnant. Why is it that someone who finds it devastating and is in a terrible situation financially and not even in a relationship can get pregnant and I can't? It's really not fair.

    Just know that you are not alone. And you are NOT a failure. IF is not your fault. I am also starting my first IVF in October, so hopefully it will be a magical month for both of us. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up for having those feelings. We all feel the same way from time to time. Sending you hugs.