Monday, 12 December 2011

a mish-mash of a post

I haven't been very good about updating my blog recently, I guess its for a number of different reasons.  I have pregnant IF guilt, I feel bad that I am pregnant after so many years of IF and the first trimester has been kicking my butt!  I know how difficult it was for me to cope with pregnant people complaining about their pregnancies, and I would hate to think that my little gem of happiness was the trigger that ruined someones day.

I keep saying to my husband, "I feel miserable... I'm delighted that I feel miserable, but I wish I didn't feel so bad".  This is something we desperately wanted, after 3 years of trying, 2 miscarriages, and going through treatment and IVF (and all its craziness), and I feel awful.  For years I convinced myself all that needed to happen was to get pregnant and the world would be a happy, shiny place again, and yet I feel turned inside out.

I am, obviously, over the moon but I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety, and the first tri symptoms have not been easy for me.

But enough of my "complaints" - today I am 11wks 4 days, only 3 more days and I'm 12 weeks, officially I think the end of the first trimester is 13weeks? I am starting to feel better, the vomiting has dropped to an occasional twice a week, rather than 4-5 times a day, I'm still fluctuating between fatigue and insomnia, but I'm coping pretty well with it.  I still have no cravings, just aversions - nothing sounds tasty to me, and the nausea, although no longer here every waking minute, is still around for a couple of hours each day.

We told my parents and siblings, bar my younger brother and his wife who are in a 2ww after their 2nd IVF, and everyone was delighted.  I was completely blown away by their reactions - there were tears and screaming, and demands for visits and updates, and pics - it was wonderful.  I plan on flying back home after the baby is born to visit, but I have a feeling I will have house guests before then.  I am hoping my SILs IVF works this time - they have been trying for 7 years - hopefully they will get good news this week!  If not I plan on having my parents tell my brother so he can break it to her in private, and I will send her a wee email. I am hoping that this news will not be too hard for her.

My DH told his parents and siblings.  His mothers response was "oh congratulations" and then she told him about how she lost her cell phone, and how working is so hard...  my DH was understandably upset.  She asked no questions about me, or the baby, or when we were due, nothing.... His step-dad was super excited and asked everything.  We told them we were only telling them and siblings, and extended family (grandmas/aunts etc) would be told at xmas after our next u/s.

The very next day I got a call from his grandma and texts from his aunts excited about the baby news - I was so mad!  But I was in an impossible situation, I can't be mad at his aunts/Grandma - it's not their fault and their responses were beautiful - they were genuinely excited for us.  I am so mad at DH's mum though - she didn't even care about our news, but she had to ruin our surprise for his aunts/grandma by telling them - it makes me so sad.

We have our NT scan scheduled for the 20th - I keep talking to my baby and urging them to stick around, and telling them how loved they are.  It seems like an eon since I last saw our lo, even though it's not even been 2 weeks.  I can not wait till i feel movements - I think that will help allay a lot of my fears.


  1. I don't think I've had as many symptoms as you but I have had my share of complications. Feeling bad sucks - especially when you want to be so happy. Every family has a surprise spoiler, for us it was hubby's aunt...but we learned a good lesson, don't tell anyone until you are ready for everyone to know. I have my NT scan on the 20th too!! I also bought a doppler, it really helps the nerves to be able to listen to baby's heartbeat at home. I hope the MS continues to get better!

  2. I ordered a Sonotrax Basic monitor with 3mhz probe ( A bit pricy but just a drop in the bucket compared to what we have already spent on getting this baby :) And peace of mind is priceless!

  3. I'm so glad to see this post as I was just thinking it had been a while!

    Pregnant IF guilt is really tough. But, you know, no one expects you to feel grateful for constantly puking!!! It is really OK to feel bad about it and wish it away -- it doesn't mean you're wishing away the pregnancy. I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little better, finally.

    My NT scan is the 19th!! :) We're all on top of each other! Sending lots of excellent vibes your way for an incredible scan.

    I'm glad your side of the family reacted well and wish your husband's did, too. Blah.

  4. I know that guilty feeling of being pregnant and feeling so miserable and not happy 100% of the time. But the first trimester is a tough one! I think its okay to give ourselves a break. We'd like to think that the news of our BFP's will make everyhting sunshine and rainbows from then on! But that't not how it works! :) Hang in there. I did start to feel a great deal better once I entered the 2nd tri. I'm sorry about your MIL's crappy response. Ew.

  5. Oh, I completely understand what you are talking about. I always assumed that if I could just get pregnant, I would be the happiest pregnant woman in the world. But I was NOT prepared for how tough it would be to deal with nausea 24/7 for so many weeks on end. It's tough!! And yet, you're right. It's like you don't want to complain because you're so damn happy you're pregnant and so grateful. But it's only natural.

    And the good news is that you are very close to the 2nd trimester now. At 13 weeks, I am already starting to feel so much better, and i hope the same for you!! Can't wait to hear more updates on your little baby!

  6. OMG you have had a tough first trimester! That's a lot of spewing. Really hope you feel better during the second one. I think it starts at 13weeks. And complaining doesn't mean you are not grateful.. I also need to remember that.

  7. I was wondering where you were. As the blogger above said, that is a lot of spewing.

    I just wrote a post on Monday about the same thing and do you know what I got a great response from people saying there is a difference between complaining and being honest about your journey. And you are never complaining we know how happy you are but it is still good to chronicle what is happening in your life.

    We are so close to 12w! Don't be a stranger and keep us updated :)

  8. Yes, keep posting. We want to hear about your wonderful miracle! Hope your nausea keeps getting better.