a mish-mash of a post

I haven't been very good about updating my blog recently, I guess its for a number of different reasons.  I have pregnant IF guilt, I feel bad that I am pregnant after so many years of IF and the first trimester has been kicking my butt!  I know how difficult it was for me to cope with pregnant people complaining about their pregnancies, and I would hate to think that my little gem of happiness was the trigger that ruined someones day.

I keep saying to my husband, "I feel miserable... I'm delighted that I feel miserable, but I wish I didn't feel so bad".  This is something we desperately wanted, after 3 years of trying, 2 miscarriages, and going through treatment and IVF (and all its craziness), and I feel awful.  For years I convinced myself all that needed to happen was to get pregnant and the world would be a happy, shiny place again, and yet I feel turned inside out.

I am, obviously, over the moon but I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety, and the first tri symptoms have not been easy for me.

But enough of my "complaints" - today I am 11wks 4 days, only 3 more days and I'm 12 weeks, officially I think the end of the first trimester is 13weeks? I am starting to feel better, the vomiting has dropped to an occasional twice a week, rather than 4-5 times a day, I'm still fluctuating between fatigue and insomnia, but I'm coping pretty well with it.  I still have no cravings, just aversions - nothing sounds tasty to me, and the nausea, although no longer here every waking minute, is still around for a couple of hours each day.

We told my parents and siblings, bar my younger brother and his wife who are in a 2ww after their 2nd IVF, and everyone was delighted.  I was completely blown away by their reactions - there were tears and screaming, and demands for visits and updates, and pics - it was wonderful.  I plan on flying back home after the baby is born to visit, but I have a feeling I will have house guests before then.  I am hoping my SILs IVF works this time - they have been trying for 7 years - hopefully they will get good news this week!  If not I plan on having my parents tell my brother so he can break it to her in private, and I will send her a wee email. I am hoping that this news will not be too hard for her.

My DH told his parents and siblings.  His mothers response was "oh congratulations" and then she told him about how she lost her cell phone, and how working is so hard...  my DH was understandably upset.  She asked no questions about me, or the baby, or when we were due, nothing.... His step-dad was super excited and asked everything.  We told them we were only telling them and siblings, and extended family (grandmas/aunts etc) would be told at xmas after our next u/s.

The very next day I got a call from his grandma and texts from his aunts excited about the baby news - I was so mad!  But I was in an impossible situation, I can't be mad at his aunts/Grandma - it's not their fault and their responses were beautiful - they were genuinely excited for us.  I am so mad at DH's mum though - she didn't even care about our news, but she had to ruin our surprise for his aunts/grandma by telling them - it makes me so sad.

We have our NT scan scheduled for the 20th - I keep talking to my baby and urging them to stick around, and telling them how loved they are.  It seems like an eon since I last saw our lo, even though it's not even been 2 weeks.  I can not wait till i feel movements - I think that will help allay a lot of my fears.

Frustrated

I sat for a while debating whether to write this all down, or chalk it up to hormones and miscommunication, and blogging won.  I'm upset and frustrated, and generally feeling a bit down.

I'm 6weeks and 4 days today, and the constant nausea appears to perhaps have transformed into vomiting.  I have a phobia about vomiting, I suppose no one really likes it, but it really freaks me out.  I turn into a sobbing mess.

My DH has been wonderful these past few weeks, given the fact that everything makes me feel like throwing up he's done 99% of the cooking and the cleaning and generally been quite lovely.  Today after I threw up that changed....

Usually I would throw up and immediately clean the toilet, but I physically couldn't.  I had thrown up in both the toilet and the sink, the reason being the first load of vomit went in the toilet and there was (TMI) some residual urine under the seat.  Given my sensitivity to smells that made vomiting even worse, so the next set went in the sink.

I sat down in my office and asked DH if he could clean the toilet, to which he took it completely the wrong way and stormed off, he then cleaned the bathroom, ignored me as I talked to him, and it turned into a screaming match.  He insisted I made him feel like he wasn't doing a good cleaning job, and proceeded to tell me all the things he's been doing, cooking and cleaning etc...

So that made me feel terrible (on top of feeling terrible).  I felt like he was complaining at having to take up the brunt of the housework and the cooking and, yes I was pissed.  I generally do all the cooking and we share the cleaning 50/50, but he's on nights right now so I haven't been cleaning during the day (on my work breaks) as he's asleep.  I feel like I am stuck right now - if i clean I make noise and wake him, if I don't he's obviously pissed off and holding it in.

Right now I'm struggling with my emotions over this pregnancy and am worried about the upcoming u/s and praying for a positive outcome, and I've been so grateful for all that he has done, and now i feel like he has hated every moment and just done it because he had to rather than wanted to help me.

I know pregnancy hormones don't help, but he just doesn't get it.  I mention how tired I am, and he says how tired he is working nights, I mean I get it - night shift is hard, but I'm growing a fricken baby and working full time.  When I am awake, my days are filled with headaches, gas, heartburn, nausea and fatigue, when i sleep I have a hard time staying asleep, and get 6-8 hours each night but interrupted by night wakings and the need to pee.

Most of all I hate how he made me feel, like I was being lazy and taking advantage, expecting him to do all this cause I didn't want to, rather than the fact that right now I feel like my body is inside-out and upside down.