a small breakdown

I was thinking last week about how great I have been doing with the meds, no real side effects - a little pain and swelling, but nothing so bad.  I do feel myself getting irritated more with DH but  nothing that I can't handle, so I was completely unprepared for Saturdays outburst....

Friday night DH went out for some drinks with a buddy and came home pretty much sloshed.  I was fine with it, he slept on the sofa downstairs (since he passed out watching tv).  Saturday morning I was full of rage, I had a full blown screaming match with him, resulting in me having to leave the house... I was on the verge of tears all day.

I get so mad at the inadequacy of the whole thing, here I am not drinking alcohol, I switched to decaf, and have a max of 1 decaf coffee a day (most days I have 0), I limit my tea intake now also (2 cups max), I'm drinking plenty of water, trying not to stress, taking my vitamins and doing the stims.  I count 46 shots to date (with 4 more tonight)...  and what does he have to do.... He doesn't have the invasive ultrasounds, the monitoring b/w, the condescending comments about age...

I feel pretty bad about it though, he is trying to be supportive, but I literally was so furious I couldn't even talk to him.  I felt like I wanted to cancel the whole thing  [Obviously I'm not - the expensive is crazy and I'm not going through all those injections for nothing, but the illogical part of my brain just wanted to throw in the towel and scream.]

I left the house and wandered in town for 3-4 hours, then came home and cried, and he just held me.  I can feel his frustration, and he was hurt that I think he has not had to make any sacrifices.  He has stopped cycling and cut down on alcohol, but in the grand scheme of things I feel that the brunt of the burden is being carried by me.

We are okay now, and we can laugh at my crazy mood swing, but I am scared that my crazy mood swing wasn't exactly crazy, more of an honest, angry outpouring.  Is it so wrong for me to want full support during this - I just feel he could do more, like not drink for the month of the IVF cycle...

Monitoring u/s is tomorrow and I am hoping that we will be large enough for the RE to mention triggering - that would keep us on target for ER on Wednesday, otherwise I have to re-organize my work schedule :(