a mish-mash of a post

I haven't been very good about updating my blog recently, I guess its for a number of different reasons.  I have pregnant IF guilt, I feel bad that I am pregnant after so many years of IF and the first trimester has been kicking my butt!  I know how difficult it was for me to cope with pregnant people complaining about their pregnancies, and I would hate to think that my little gem of happiness was the trigger that ruined someones day.

I keep saying to my husband, "I feel miserable... I'm delighted that I feel miserable, but I wish I didn't feel so bad".  This is something we desperately wanted, after 3 years of trying, 2 miscarriages, and going through treatment and IVF (and all its craziness), and I feel awful.  For years I convinced myself all that needed to happen was to get pregnant and the world would be a happy, shiny place again, and yet I feel turned inside out.

I am, obviously, over the moon but I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety, and the first tri symptoms have not been easy for me.

But enough of my "complaints" - today I am 11wks 4 days, only 3 more days and I'm 12 weeks, officially I think the end of the first trimester is 13weeks? I am starting to feel better, the vomiting has dropped to an occasional twice a week, rather than 4-5 times a day, I'm still fluctuating between fatigue and insomnia, but I'm coping pretty well with it.  I still have no cravings, just aversions - nothing sounds tasty to me, and the nausea, although no longer here every waking minute, is still around for a couple of hours each day.

We told my parents and siblings, bar my younger brother and his wife who are in a 2ww after their 2nd IVF, and everyone was delighted.  I was completely blown away by their reactions - there were tears and screaming, and demands for visits and updates, and pics - it was wonderful.  I plan on flying back home after the baby is born to visit, but I have a feeling I will have house guests before then.  I am hoping my SILs IVF works this time - they have been trying for 7 years - hopefully they will get good news this week!  If not I plan on having my parents tell my brother so he can break it to her in private, and I will send her a wee email. I am hoping that this news will not be too hard for her.

My DH told his parents and siblings.  His mothers response was "oh congratulations" and then she told him about how she lost her cell phone, and how working is so hard...  my DH was understandably upset.  She asked no questions about me, or the baby, or when we were due, nothing.... His step-dad was super excited and asked everything.  We told them we were only telling them and siblings, and extended family (grandmas/aunts etc) would be told at xmas after our next u/s.

The very next day I got a call from his grandma and texts from his aunts excited about the baby news - I was so mad!  But I was in an impossible situation, I can't be mad at his aunts/Grandma - it's not their fault and their responses were beautiful - they were genuinely excited for us.  I am so mad at DH's mum though - she didn't even care about our news, but she had to ruin our surprise for his aunts/grandma by telling them - it makes me so sad.

We have our NT scan scheduled for the 20th - I keep talking to my baby and urging them to stick around, and telling them how loved they are.  It seems like an eon since I last saw our lo, even though it's not even been 2 weeks.  I can not wait till i feel movements - I think that will help allay a lot of my fears.

a small breakdown

I was thinking last week about how great I have been doing with the meds, no real side effects - a little pain and swelling, but nothing so bad.  I do feel myself getting irritated more with DH but  nothing that I can't handle, so I was completely unprepared for Saturdays outburst....

Friday night DH went out for some drinks with a buddy and came home pretty much sloshed.  I was fine with it, he slept on the sofa downstairs (since he passed out watching tv).  Saturday morning I was full of rage, I had a full blown screaming match with him, resulting in me having to leave the house... I was on the verge of tears all day.

I get so mad at the inadequacy of the whole thing, here I am not drinking alcohol, I switched to decaf, and have a max of 1 decaf coffee a day (most days I have 0), I limit my tea intake now also (2 cups max), I'm drinking plenty of water, trying not to stress, taking my vitamins and doing the stims.  I count 46 shots to date (with 4 more tonight)...  and what does he have to do.... He doesn't have the invasive ultrasounds, the monitoring b/w, the condescending comments about age...

I feel pretty bad about it though, he is trying to be supportive, but I literally was so furious I couldn't even talk to him.  I felt like I wanted to cancel the whole thing  [Obviously I'm not - the expensive is crazy and I'm not going through all those injections for nothing, but the illogical part of my brain just wanted to throw in the towel and scream.]

I left the house and wandered in town for 3-4 hours, then came home and cried, and he just held me.  I can feel his frustration, and he was hurt that I think he has not had to make any sacrifices.  He has stopped cycling and cut down on alcohol, but in the grand scheme of things I feel that the brunt of the burden is being carried by me.

We are okay now, and we can laugh at my crazy mood swing, but I am scared that my crazy mood swing wasn't exactly crazy, more of an honest, angry outpouring.  Is it so wrong for me to want full support during this - I just feel he could do more, like not drink for the month of the IVF cycle...

Monitoring u/s is tomorrow and I am hoping that we will be large enough for the RE to mention triggering - that would keep us on target for ER on Wednesday, otherwise I have to re-organize my work schedule :(

Angry

I have so much anger built up inside of me, at the injustice and unfairness of life.  I have lost my faith that everything will turn out alright in the end, and I can feel that unhappiness penetrating right to my core.

Yes I have days where IF does not cross my mind, but little things here are there make my jealousy rear it's ugly head.  Why do some people find it so easy to get pregnant, and others struggle for years.  I love children and have wanted to be a mum for a very long time, but waited till we were in a stable phase in our lives and now I regret deeply that decision.

I hate the "what ifs" that run through my head, I hate the feeling of failure I get every time a close friend announces her pregnancy, I hate that I feel this way and I feel guilty for feeling envious of what my friends have.  I hate the pitying looks I get, the "it'll happen someday for you", or the fear that parents-to-be have about telling us their joyful news.

Most of all I hate how IF makes me feel, and the power it has over my life.