a round up and reveal!

I've been a little remiss about posting, things have been hectic busy but a good hectic busy :)

Today I started with a new dept. at my work and have been a little preoccupied by how that would be, still not got a good handle on how much workload I will have, since I have not spoken with my new manager yet.  I always think that's a bad sign if your new manager doesn't schedule a call with you on your first day working with them....

LO has been moving around like a monster, my stomach lurches like I'm on a roller coaster, and I get kicked a lot these days!  Its an amazing feeling and makes me smile.  On the 11th, DH and I were lying on the sofa watching a movie, and LO was kicking away like mad, on the off-chance I moved DH's had to the area and pushed in slightly.  LO spent the next 5 minutes kicking away and DH had the goofiest smile on his face, I, of course, had a wee cry.

My parents called at the weekend and have announced that they would like to buy us our stroller - I am so blessed to have parents that care and want to be a part of our lives.  

Now onto the news you have all been waiting for ;)  On Saturday we had our gender ultrasound!  The baby is still in the breech position and due to the positioning and stubbornness we didn't get any photos!  The tech moved the u/s wand so we could see the babies bottom, and a little hand snaked its way down and covered up the area!  Cheeky monkey!!!  

2 minutes later though the baby moved the hand and showed us the goods!  Although not 100% confirmed, we are having a baby BOY!!  We are delighted!  

DH was convinced it was a girl, and had had me starting to think that way too, but about 2 weeks ago I went back to calling the baby a boy, and 2 nights before the u/s I told DH I dreamt we did the gender assessment and they told us "boy".

So yesterday we went out and bought 3 baby boy onesies, a brown one, a grey one and a light green one, and got a 6-12month brown snowsuit reduced for $70 to $7!  Bargain!

I am now thinking of how I will do the nursery - and it's a wonderful time.  Still not told the family yet, this will be the first boy born in DH's family for 28 years! Every one of his family bar his dad, have told us it will be a girl, I reckon his dad will be thrilled.  I know my parents are rooting for a girl, as they already have 2 grandsons, but I know they will be happy with another little monkey to love.

We have a name picked out, although that could change, so now it all seems crazy real! 

Told my boss today

Well I hadn't planned on telling my work till after the anatomy scan on the 1st of Feb, but in a general meeting today it was announced that my boss was changing departments... so after the general meeting we had a chat and I felt it was best to tell her.

Long story short, the department I work in will be closing in December so I would have to move to a new dept. after I get back from mat leave (1 year in Canada).  I don't fancy starting back to work in a new department, knowing no-one or who my boss will be, so the only option is to transfer before I go out on mat leave.

So I told my boss, who was thrilled for us, and recommends we look over the next few weeks at the different departments and hopefully transfer by April, that way I can be up to speed on the new department, get to know my new boss and colleagues and feel a little more secure.

Things seems a little overwhelming just now - it's the unknown that always bothers me.

Dh and I went to a kids shop last weekend and were perusing strollers, cribs and whatnot, to get an idea of prices, and it's all completely overwhelming.  I felt exhausted, and had a nap when we got home.

It feels like it's been ages since my last doctors appt, and we wait till the 19th for the next one, and then have to wait till 1Feb for the u/s.  I've been having vague fear feelings mainly because it's been so long since we saw/heard LO, and although I am trying to remain positive, the lack of pregnancy symptoms/movement makes me feel slightly anxious.

Yes I'm still tired, having issues sleeping, peeing like a racehorse, constantly hungry, and having a few sharp pains every so often - but dammit I want to feel movement so I can relax and call myself names for being so silly.

a mish-mash of a post

I haven't been very good about updating my blog recently, I guess its for a number of different reasons.  I have pregnant IF guilt, I feel bad that I am pregnant after so many years of IF and the first trimester has been kicking my butt!  I know how difficult it was for me to cope with pregnant people complaining about their pregnancies, and I would hate to think that my little gem of happiness was the trigger that ruined someones day.

I keep saying to my husband, "I feel miserable... I'm delighted that I feel miserable, but I wish I didn't feel so bad".  This is something we desperately wanted, after 3 years of trying, 2 miscarriages, and going through treatment and IVF (and all its craziness), and I feel awful.  For years I convinced myself all that needed to happen was to get pregnant and the world would be a happy, shiny place again, and yet I feel turned inside out.

I am, obviously, over the moon but I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety, and the first tri symptoms have not been easy for me.

But enough of my "complaints" - today I am 11wks 4 days, only 3 more days and I'm 12 weeks, officially I think the end of the first trimester is 13weeks? I am starting to feel better, the vomiting has dropped to an occasional twice a week, rather than 4-5 times a day, I'm still fluctuating between fatigue and insomnia, but I'm coping pretty well with it.  I still have no cravings, just aversions - nothing sounds tasty to me, and the nausea, although no longer here every waking minute, is still around for a couple of hours each day.

We told my parents and siblings, bar my younger brother and his wife who are in a 2ww after their 2nd IVF, and everyone was delighted.  I was completely blown away by their reactions - there were tears and screaming, and demands for visits and updates, and pics - it was wonderful.  I plan on flying back home after the baby is born to visit, but I have a feeling I will have house guests before then.  I am hoping my SILs IVF works this time - they have been trying for 7 years - hopefully they will get good news this week!  If not I plan on having my parents tell my brother so he can break it to her in private, and I will send her a wee email. I am hoping that this news will not be too hard for her.

My DH told his parents and siblings.  His mothers response was "oh congratulations" and then she told him about how she lost her cell phone, and how working is so hard...  my DH was understandably upset.  She asked no questions about me, or the baby, or when we were due, nothing.... His step-dad was super excited and asked everything.  We told them we were only telling them and siblings, and extended family (grandmas/aunts etc) would be told at xmas after our next u/s.

The very next day I got a call from his grandma and texts from his aunts excited about the baby news - I was so mad!  But I was in an impossible situation, I can't be mad at his aunts/Grandma - it's not their fault and their responses were beautiful - they were genuinely excited for us.  I am so mad at DH's mum though - she didn't even care about our news, but she had to ruin our surprise for his aunts/grandma by telling them - it makes me so sad.

We have our NT scan scheduled for the 20th - I keep talking to my baby and urging them to stick around, and telling them how loved they are.  It seems like an eon since I last saw our lo, even though it's not even been 2 weeks.  I can not wait till i feel movements - I think that will help allay a lot of my fears.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving to all my US readers :)  We celebrated last month in Canada, so while you all get 2 days off enjoying turkey, I get to work today.  On that note though, it's nice and quiet cause all the US staff are on vacation ;)

Today I'm 9weeks! and I am so very, very thankful.  In 6 more days I will get my second u/s and we will get to see the baby again.  Assuming all is well I'll then be released to my doctors care.

This is a scary time for me, last time we lost the baby at 7w5d, but we didn't find out till the u/s at 9w6d.  As life would have it - the next u/s is also scheduled for 9w6d. The similarities in the dates have me a little freaked out, as does my disappearing/reappearing symptoms.

I have realised over the past few weeks though that what is going to happen will happen, I am doing my very best to make everything work out, but if something does go wrong, at least I know that I could not have done anything different to prevent it.  Last time I spent a lot of time blaming myself, and analyzing every little thing I had done looking for a reason, an answer where none could be found.

I am trying to live in the "now", appreciating what I can while suffering through all day nausea, vomiting, burping constantly, the smells and the fatigue.  I am envious of those who are cruising through their first trimester with no m/s.  I truly can not wait for the second tri - I am looking forward to relief of these symptoms, and a little less anxiety :)

8 Weeks!

Today I'm 8 weeks pregnant :)  I still have not told my family (other than my dad who was here during the IVF), I am holding out till 10 weeks.  Once we get past that milestone I think I will start to feel more confident.

Monday was my birthday and I had a quiet day off, it was nice and I spent the time reading in a chair next to the fireplace.  It was marred slightly by the call from my mum, which inevitably turned to her discussing babies with me, and whether I would contemplate IVF, or maybe I could use my sister-in-law as a surrogate.  She even managed to tell me that my SIL had offered up her services - I mean that's beautiful and such a selfless thing to do BUT we weren't asking.  I hate the idea that my fertility (or lack of) has become a discussion point, and they can freely chat about my personal life and how to "fix" it.

I could have told her on the phone that there was no need, instead I said that I was happy with my current situation and that I was taking life as it goes.  I know she is trying to be helpful, but seriously she makes me want to scream!!!

Since last week the m/s has been ramping up, it changed from all day nausea into vomiting, and I had 5 lovely days where everything I ate after 11am did not stay long in my system.  Yesterday I woke to no symptoms, no nausea, no vomiting nothing - I was completely freaked out.  I was sure something was wrong, it was 7weeks 5days last time (although we didn't find out till 10wks) so I was on the verge of tears all day.  I don't want to be that woman that phones her RE and demands an ultrasound because she is freaking out.  Luckily around 8pm the hiccup/burps and the nausea came back, and this morning I feel the threat of vomiting looming.

It's insane, I spent the last 5 days miserable wishing for a break, and when I got it I freaked out and wished I was sick again.... *sigh*

I need to start taking belly shots, I love the idea of a progress photo.  I will make DH take one when he wakes later today.  I weighted myself this am and I'm down 2lbs so that makes me feel happy - I am worried about gaining too much with this LO, esp since I am definitely not at my ideal weight right now!

According to WTE the baby is now the size of an olive! I think that's adorable :)

First ultrasound

7 weeks today, and we had our first ultrasound at Dr. H's office.

My morning sickness has been playing up and to make me a very classy patient, I nearly vomited in the office complexes bin... luckily I was able to contain myself...  Once in the office, a woman came in drenched in perfume - it was crazy intense and again the nausea rose to the surface, the office has strict no scent policies so I was surprised no-one said anything to her...

Anyways we got taken into an exam room, exactly at our appt time, and then were left sitting for 30 mins.  Something you should not do to an anxious pregnant woman is lock her in a hot stuffy room, half naked with a u/s machine.  I managed to resist the urge to scan myself, but only just!

Dr. H finally arrived and we were ready to begin.  The scan shows one perfect little bean and we got to hear and see the heart beat, I must admit a few tears managed to escape at that beautiful elusive sound.  We got a picture of the bean, and the bean plus h/b sound wave.  We did not get measurements other than the baby is 11mm at present, and the h/b was strong.

We will go back in at 10weeks (well 9wks 6days) for a follow-up u/s before being released to my regular doctor.  I called my Doctor today and made an appt for the 21st, they asked my due date, and I have 2 conflicting dates from the REs office, the first given was 28June and the 2nd was 2ndJuly (both before the u/s), so not sure what is going on, but I figure none of these dates will most likely be right anyways ;)

For now I am over the moon.  I feel hugely relieved that the first hurdle is over!

Reflections

It is only 10 days till my first ultrasound, I am excited.  I won't lie, I'm apprehensive and of course I have worries, but overall the message in my head and heart is hopeful.

After 3 years of TTC, 1 missed miscarriage found at 10weeks, and a chemical, it's hard to equate being pregnant with actually getting a baby out of the deal. Yes, everyone goes on about positivity and trying not to worry, that is obviously easier said than done.

With my first BFP I was blissfully happy, skipping through my pregnancy without a care in the world, we told our families at 8weeks.  I thought that 2 lines equalled a baby, and my world came crashing down on me at our 10week ultrasound. One D&C later and having to tell the family the bad news, I am more aware of the possible bad outcomes.

So I think it's natural to have concerns, and I'm okay with that.  Would I prefer to be blissfully ignorant - of course, but my first miscarriage removed that innocence from me.

For now I am 5weeks 5 days pregnant, and I'm totally in love.  DH and I are obviously wishing for the best, and are starting to think of the future, I lie in bed and marvel that we are back at this point in our journey and I pray to get to the next milestone.

In 10 days I will see our baby(s), and see the flicker of heartbeats, and my heart will explode with love and happiness.

In the meantime I am grateful for the few pregnancy symptoms I currently have: fatigue, acid reflux, nausea, insane sense of smell, irritability and the wonderful belching ;)

5 Weeks today

Today we are 5 weeks, only 2 more weeks to go till the first ultrasound.  I am getting antsy, more than anything I want to see the u/s and find out if we have a heartbeat. That's my goal to pass.

Work has me stressed out, I have too much work to do and not enough time to do it and I am worried that the stressing is not good for me.  I have an extremely short temper at the moment, and feel myself getting wound up far too easily.  I am also extremely tired, I walk around all day yawning, but I can't sleep at night :(  I have major issues falling asleep and then staying asleep.  Last night I think i got 4 hours - I know that can't be good for me.

I'm not complaining, more than anything in the world I want this, I just can't believe I'm in yet another 2ww.....

891!!

Third beta (18dpo) was done at 10am this morning and came back at a whopping 891!  I am so pleased - I've been internally praying for the number to increase.  The doubling time was 38 hours again :)

Waiting on the clinic to call me, I'm hoping that the beta draws are now over and we will schedule a U/S.
** Update - U/S is booked for 7wks on the 10th November at 11:15am

I want to know if we have one or two nestling in.

I bought a baby book, and a name book on Sunday.  I can feel myself beginning to hope that this might actually turn out well.

Second Beta

Oh my god - how stressful it has been waiting for these second numbers.  I've had all sorts of awful thoughts and worked myself up into a little bit of a panic.

So without further ado: 15dpo: 265!, with a doubling time of 38hrs :)

I have still not had a call from the clinic but I did go in after 10am to get the blood work done, and they don't guarantee a same day call in those situations. Luckily for me, in Canada you can sign up for your lab results to be accessed electronically :)

So 265!! I am officially Pregnant!!  I now await the clinic to call to see whether they want another beta drawn, and when to schedule the first ultrasound.

I will continue taking my heparin shots until the end of the first trimester so my belly will continue to be a lovely mottled shade of purple and yellow bruises.  DH has affectionately nicknamed me "leopard girl" - lucky me ;)

I feel truly happy (yet still a wee bit terrified).

8dp3dt transfer

I have been on edge since being on couch rest gives you nothing better to do with your time than obsess, so yesterday at 7dp3dt I poas.

After some major scrutiny and specific angle/light ratio viewing I declared "a shadow".  My DH declared I was "mental" and "a crazy lady" and that there was no line and to wait till Friday.  At which point I had a little cry - not an ugly one, just a little waah why me, this most likely didn't work, and why was I so crazy....

We went out for brunch with my dad, and I came home and promptly napped for 2 hours. It was blissful, I literally made a cup of tea, sat down and passed out.  I never nap, and since I've been on couch rest it's not like I've been tiring myself out.

This morning I tested again, and brought the strip back to bed to develop.  I started back to work today and wanted 5 more minutes before the drama of work unfurled.

Upon looking at the test - and it's a sensitive one - those 10iu ones from earlypregnancytests.com, I could see a line.  Make that 2 lines.  I can see 2 lines.  They are both pink.  It's not a shadow! I don't need to angle it and squint.  DH can see the lines.  I am a bit in shock.

I took a photo of it on my cell phone and it's clear to see 2 lines!!!!!!

Now I have no idea what to do!  I plan to test again tomorrow, and maybe I will buy some FRER tests.  My dad goes back home on Wednesday I don't know whether to tell him or not...

Beta is scheduled for Friday 21st, do I call and have it moved up or wait?

I'm very excited, feeling a little sick to my stomach, and a little befuddled to be honest.