a mish-mash of a post

I haven't been very good about updating my blog recently, I guess its for a number of different reasons.  I have pregnant IF guilt, I feel bad that I am pregnant after so many years of IF and the first trimester has been kicking my butt!  I know how difficult it was for me to cope with pregnant people complaining about their pregnancies, and I would hate to think that my little gem of happiness was the trigger that ruined someones day.

I keep saying to my husband, "I feel miserable... I'm delighted that I feel miserable, but I wish I didn't feel so bad".  This is something we desperately wanted, after 3 years of trying, 2 miscarriages, and going through treatment and IVF (and all its craziness), and I feel awful.  For years I convinced myself all that needed to happen was to get pregnant and the world would be a happy, shiny place again, and yet I feel turned inside out.

I am, obviously, over the moon but I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety, and the first tri symptoms have not been easy for me.

But enough of my "complaints" - today I am 11wks 4 days, only 3 more days and I'm 12 weeks, officially I think the end of the first trimester is 13weeks? I am starting to feel better, the vomiting has dropped to an occasional twice a week, rather than 4-5 times a day, I'm still fluctuating between fatigue and insomnia, but I'm coping pretty well with it.  I still have no cravings, just aversions - nothing sounds tasty to me, and the nausea, although no longer here every waking minute, is still around for a couple of hours each day.

We told my parents and siblings, bar my younger brother and his wife who are in a 2ww after their 2nd IVF, and everyone was delighted.  I was completely blown away by their reactions - there were tears and screaming, and demands for visits and updates, and pics - it was wonderful.  I plan on flying back home after the baby is born to visit, but I have a feeling I will have house guests before then.  I am hoping my SILs IVF works this time - they have been trying for 7 years - hopefully they will get good news this week!  If not I plan on having my parents tell my brother so he can break it to her in private, and I will send her a wee email. I am hoping that this news will not be too hard for her.

My DH told his parents and siblings.  His mothers response was "oh congratulations" and then she told him about how she lost her cell phone, and how working is so hard...  my DH was understandably upset.  She asked no questions about me, or the baby, or when we were due, nothing.... His step-dad was super excited and asked everything.  We told them we were only telling them and siblings, and extended family (grandmas/aunts etc) would be told at xmas after our next u/s.

The very next day I got a call from his grandma and texts from his aunts excited about the baby news - I was so mad!  But I was in an impossible situation, I can't be mad at his aunts/Grandma - it's not their fault and their responses were beautiful - they were genuinely excited for us.  I am so mad at DH's mum though - she didn't even care about our news, but she had to ruin our surprise for his aunts/grandma by telling them - it makes me so sad.

We have our NT scan scheduled for the 20th - I keep talking to my baby and urging them to stick around, and telling them how loved they are.  It seems like an eon since I last saw our lo, even though it's not even been 2 weeks.  I can not wait till i feel movements - I think that will help allay a lot of my fears.

Reflections

It is only 10 days till my first ultrasound, I am excited.  I won't lie, I'm apprehensive and of course I have worries, but overall the message in my head and heart is hopeful.

After 3 years of TTC, 1 missed miscarriage found at 10weeks, and a chemical, it's hard to equate being pregnant with actually getting a baby out of the deal. Yes, everyone goes on about positivity and trying not to worry, that is obviously easier said than done.

With my first BFP I was blissfully happy, skipping through my pregnancy without a care in the world, we told our families at 8weeks.  I thought that 2 lines equalled a baby, and my world came crashing down on me at our 10week ultrasound. One D&C later and having to tell the family the bad news, I am more aware of the possible bad outcomes.

So I think it's natural to have concerns, and I'm okay with that.  Would I prefer to be blissfully ignorant - of course, but my first miscarriage removed that innocence from me.

For now I am 5weeks 5 days pregnant, and I'm totally in love.  DH and I are obviously wishing for the best, and are starting to think of the future, I lie in bed and marvel that we are back at this point in our journey and I pray to get to the next milestone.

In 10 days I will see our baby(s), and see the flicker of heartbeats, and my heart will explode with love and happiness.

In the meantime I am grateful for the few pregnancy symptoms I currently have: fatigue, acid reflux, nausea, insane sense of smell, irritability and the wonderful belching ;)

Triggering tonight

YAY!!!!!!

This mornings u/s went well, and as long as the blood work is good this afternoon we trigger tonight at 9:30pm, and are scheduled for retrieval Thursday morning!!  I'm very excited, but also want to throw up a little...

Lining was at 9mm - I didn't realise it could shrink but we will see what it is on the day of transfer I guess - Dr. H. seems happy enough

Follies: There were 11 above 12 mm (here are the numbers I recall - a 19, 3*18, 2*17, 15, 14) and 9 under 12mm.

Apparently due to the large number of small follies, I am at risk for OHSS, so I get to start taking a new med tonight after trigger for 8 days, fun times!

I am excited about triggering though - it is nice to not have to do stims tonight - just one shot :)

Day 9: U/S & B/W

So today is Day 9 of stims, the shots are easy to do but the Repronex is the painful one!  I get some raised red welts, and it stings!  I happily thought last night that soon the injections will be over... that was short lived when I realized after the transfer I start twice daily Heparin shots - yay :(

U/S this morning went okay, DH came with me so that was nice.  We lost track of the counts so here is what I recall;

R: 12, 3x11, 7, L: 12, 11, 9, 8 (definitely less than the 16 counted on Day 6 - maybe they don't measure below a 7?)

Lining is 10mm - that makes me happy - the thickest I had during IUIs was 11 so I figure I have a few more days to thicken that up some more :)

Estradiol: 2380

I will be setting up another u/s & b/w for Sunday, my dosage has been increased to 150Puregon & 75 Repronex every day now.  I guess I'm not responding as well as he had hoped on the lower doses?  Fingers crossed that by Sunday we see some in the 14-16mm range - I think that will help allay some of my fears.

Update: E b/w came back, Dr. is happy with the number and Sundays u/s has been moved to Monday again...

Grow follies, Grow!!!

Cycle Day 1

So AF has finally arrived, late but she's finally here - which means our first IVF cycle is now in play!!

My first Estradiol and Ultrasound appt are booked for Thursday am (CD3) and then I get my full protocol.  I am excited, nervous, apprehensive and both looking forward and dreading the next few weeks.

If all goes well, ER is predicted 5 October? with 5day transfer being the 10th? and a test date of the 19th?

My dad just called and he wants to come visit, and has picked flights arriving on 5th October, leaving the 19th!  I'm taking this to be a good sign and not one to stress out about!  I haven't told my parents what we are doing so I guess I'll be outing myself when he arrives, on oath of secrecy!

I told 3 RL friends, 2 local and 1 far away, last week that we were going down a more invasive route with the doctors, and it's really helped me I think.  Having someone I can call on a bad day will be a welcome relief, rather than trying to hold it all in.

I have 7 days of PTO left an I figure I want them for the post ET stage?  What do you ladies think? Is ER worse and I should take some then?

13DPO, waiting for AF

So I POAS this am and BFN.  I wasn't surprised. I was really, really hoping that this would somehow be a miracle cycle and I wouldn't have to do IVF, but no joy!

So I anxiously await AF, I hear Suprefract can slow things down a little, but I am hoping she arrives by Sunday.  I want to get my baseline u/s and monitoring done and get on the IVF train.  The plan is 75IU Repronex and 75IU Puregon, I will watch the dvd provided by the clinic over the weekend to see how to mix and do the injections :)

The Suprefract injections are getting so much easier - it's crazy I was so worried about them and they are so simple.  No more bruising, they are still a little itchy sometimes but it's all good.

C'mon AF, I want my protocol with dates!!

Injections begin and Pregnant Visitors

So, it's been a wee bit since my last post because we had relatives visiting.  My brother-in-law and his wife came for a few days and I was expecting it to totally suck!

So here's a sum up of the visit and the IVF preparations!

The reason for the relative suckiness... my sister-in-law (SIL) is 19wks pregnant... yup and her EDD is 4 days after our EDD would have been if we hadn't had the second miscarriage. And you know what... it was a lovely visit.  My SIL didn't constantly discuss her pregnancy, I was able to ask her questions and genuinely be happy for her, she was so kind and considerate. Sure, some bits were hard, but they did not let the pregnancy dominate the visit.

Here's an example as to how considerate she is, they found out they are having a girl, and their second choice name, was the name DH and I had picked when we were pregnant in 2009.  When I told her, she immediately said it wasn't a problem and they wouldn't use that name.  We chatted about it some more later, cause i felt bad, and I said that I would be okay with them using it if they wanted and that we weren't even sure that we would use it in the future.  She was such a sweetheart and re-affirmed that they would not use that name.

They left on Friday.  It really was a wonderful visit, and I miss them now they are gone.  We have made plans to meet up next year for Christmas and spend it with them.  I am truly lucky to have some in-laws that are not crazy!

My mum called me Saturday morning, she is not aware of our IVF journey, and started telling me about my brothers wifes (BW) IVF experience.  I don't talk with my brother but I did know she was going for IVF - my mum can't keep anything private (thus the not knowing about our IVF).  I've reached out a few times to my BW, but she's not been interested.  They have been TTC for 7years, and as sad as that makes me, they have not been doing a lot to improve their chances.  I know I shouldn't judge, but I think if you are having issues conceiving you would at least be willing to quit smoking.  They still drink, smoke (not just cigarettes), and party like they are in their late teens *rant over*  

So, all data on this is secondhand so some sounds odd to me..., my BW did IVF back in August on the NHS, she did the injectables stims, and apparently over responded, she got OHSS (ouch) and they retrieved 22 eggs and said they have to wait and do a FET when she recovers.  They told her she produces too many eggs and they are all immature, but then mum said all 22 fertilized and were frozen on day 3.  I'm pretty sure my mum got some of the facts wrong... but I feel for her, she was really sick and ended up on Warfarin and spent 3 days in hospital. Her FET will be considered IVF #2, and the NHS does a max of 3 with only one embryo transfer.  

So that night I started on the Suprefract injections because I can't take BCP.  Apparently not taking BCP means you need less drugs so that is a bit of a bonus!  I was terrified about doing the injections and got a wee bit emotional, this may have been helped by earlier phone call, and at 7:25pm Saturday I gave myself my first shot in the belly.  It was okay, the liquid stung a bit going in, and left a nice welt on my stomach, but it was gone by the next day.  Sundays injection was harder, I had to select a new injection spot, so I'm going clockwise around my belly button, this one didn't sting at all so that was a bonus.  I am bloated and bruising though! YAY :(

Still not as awful as I thought it would be - makes a nice change.

I've decided to do the shared risk plan with our RE - it works out $600 more if we only need the one, and given how much we have to invest I feel that it's worth it for the safety net.  If we go onto need a second IVF we will save over $3000, and even more for a third.

I am feeling hopeful that we will not need to go there though.  I want to convince our RE to transfer 2 blasts and I will be hoping that we come out of this experience with a LO.  October is our 3 years TTC anniversary, I think it's time that we finally get a sticky pregnancy.

Congratulations if you got all through this post! I think this is the longest one yet :)

Protocol will be written up properly with dates as soon as AF arrives (if she arrives), expected to start 18/19thSep, so we could be looking at the retrieval early Oct.