Injections begin and Pregnant Visitors

So, it's been a wee bit since my last post because we had relatives visiting.  My brother-in-law and his wife came for a few days and I was expecting it to totally suck!

So here's a sum up of the visit and the IVF preparations!

The reason for the relative suckiness... my sister-in-law (SIL) is 19wks pregnant... yup and her EDD is 4 days after our EDD would have been if we hadn't had the second miscarriage. And you know what... it was a lovely visit.  My SIL didn't constantly discuss her pregnancy, I was able to ask her questions and genuinely be happy for her, she was so kind and considerate. Sure, some bits were hard, but they did not let the pregnancy dominate the visit.

Here's an example as to how considerate she is, they found out they are having a girl, and their second choice name, was the name DH and I had picked when we were pregnant in 2009.  When I told her, she immediately said it wasn't a problem and they wouldn't use that name.  We chatted about it some more later, cause i felt bad, and I said that I would be okay with them using it if they wanted and that we weren't even sure that we would use it in the future.  She was such a sweetheart and re-affirmed that they would not use that name.

They left on Friday.  It really was a wonderful visit, and I miss them now they are gone.  We have made plans to meet up next year for Christmas and spend it with them.  I am truly lucky to have some in-laws that are not crazy!

My mum called me Saturday morning, she is not aware of our IVF journey, and started telling me about my brothers wifes (BW) IVF experience.  I don't talk with my brother but I did know she was going for IVF - my mum can't keep anything private (thus the not knowing about our IVF).  I've reached out a few times to my BW, but she's not been interested.  They have been TTC for 7years, and as sad as that makes me, they have not been doing a lot to improve their chances.  I know I shouldn't judge, but I think if you are having issues conceiving you would at least be willing to quit smoking.  They still drink, smoke (not just cigarettes), and party like they are in their late teens *rant over*  

So, all data on this is secondhand so some sounds odd to me..., my BW did IVF back in August on the NHS, she did the injectables stims, and apparently over responded, she got OHSS (ouch) and they retrieved 22 eggs and said they have to wait and do a FET when she recovers.  They told her she produces too many eggs and they are all immature, but then mum said all 22 fertilized and were frozen on day 3.  I'm pretty sure my mum got some of the facts wrong... but I feel for her, she was really sick and ended up on Warfarin and spent 3 days in hospital. Her FET will be considered IVF #2, and the NHS does a max of 3 with only one embryo transfer.  

So that night I started on the Suprefract injections because I can't take BCP.  Apparently not taking BCP means you need less drugs so that is a bit of a bonus!  I was terrified about doing the injections and got a wee bit emotional, this may have been helped by earlier phone call, and at 7:25pm Saturday I gave myself my first shot in the belly.  It was okay, the liquid stung a bit going in, and left a nice welt on my stomach, but it was gone by the next day.  Sundays injection was harder, I had to select a new injection spot, so I'm going clockwise around my belly button, this one didn't sting at all so that was a bonus.  I am bloated and bruising though! YAY :(

Still not as awful as I thought it would be - makes a nice change.

I've decided to do the shared risk plan with our RE - it works out $600 more if we only need the one, and given how much we have to invest I feel that it's worth it for the safety net.  If we go onto need a second IVF we will save over $3000, and even more for a third.

I am feeling hopeful that we will not need to go there though.  I want to convince our RE to transfer 2 blasts and I will be hoping that we come out of this experience with a LO.  October is our 3 years TTC anniversary, I think it's time that we finally get a sticky pregnancy.

Congratulations if you got all through this post! I think this is the longest one yet :)

Protocol will be written up properly with dates as soon as AF arrives (if she arrives), expected to start 18/19thSep, so we could be looking at the retrieval early Oct.

Angry

I have so much anger built up inside of me, at the injustice and unfairness of life.  I have lost my faith that everything will turn out alright in the end, and I can feel that unhappiness penetrating right to my core.

Yes I have days where IF does not cross my mind, but little things here are there make my jealousy rear it's ugly head.  Why do some people find it so easy to get pregnant, and others struggle for years.  I love children and have wanted to be a mum for a very long time, but waited till we were in a stable phase in our lives and now I regret deeply that decision.

I hate the "what ifs" that run through my head, I hate the feeling of failure I get every time a close friend announces her pregnancy, I hate that I feel this way and I feel guilty for feeling envious of what my friends have.  I hate the pitying looks I get, the "it'll happen someday for you", or the fear that parents-to-be have about telling us their joyful news.

Most of all I hate how IF makes me feel, and the power it has over my life.

IVF update

So Friday was our IVF consult, we got to the RE's office and they were running behind - we waited 50 minutes to see the RE, which meant our 3:30 appt became 4:20 - and the clinic closes at 4:30...

So we sit down with Dr. H, and he explains he is stumped, the follicles counts are good, the sperm is good, all our tests are great, but since we have done 3 IUIs and nothing has happened he would not recommend anymore.  So the options left, continue trying naturally with a 3-5% chance each month or IVF with a  50% chance.

He would recommend IVF with ICSI.  It works out including drugs around $9000, but if it doesn't work the next cycle is discounted.  I asked questions about scarring from the D&C and he says there is none (big relief) and immune testing and although my tests have all been normal, we will do the blood tests again, and check vitamin B12 and Iron as I am vegetarian.

The bad note, leaving the money aside, is that they will only transfer 1 embryo.  That made me feel pretty bad, I was hoping they would transfer 2, given the cost of IVF and the fact that I desperately want it to succeed I would think the chances are much better with a transfer of 2...

So DH and I discussed and I think we are going to take a few months off while we save up the rest of the money, we are targeting October, so we call the clinic in Sept.  I can't go on BC so instead they will use another drug.

So I am trying to lose some of this excess IF-weight gain :( and get myself and our finances healthier for October - I am finally seeing a little glimmer of hope on the horizon - maybe 2011 can end as a good year!

Oh and on the weight front - 2lbs loss so far :)