5dp3dt

5 Days post 3 day transfer and this 2ww is going slowly!!!!

I am excited but a little terrified - I don't even want to contemplate that this did not work, but I can feel that little spark in the back of my mind already.  I so desperately want this to be it, for me, for my husband, for my parents.  I bought some baby gifts for friends today, I was able to smile at a newborn and act like myself - it was wonderful, so nice to look at baby clothes without overwhelming sadness.

I'm now on Heparin shots twice daily, estrace and prometrium 3*daily, vitamin D, Calcium, Iron, folic acid, baby asprin and my prenatal - I feel like all I do is pop pills!  It's all going to be worth it though :)

We got a call on Day 5 to let us know how the rest of the follicles got on, of the 6 we had remaining - 4 made it to Blast and were frozen.  We have 2 grade 18s, 1 17 and 1 15 - so very pleased with that.  It makes me think that the 2 grade 19s we transferred have a great shot!

I'm still unsure about the 3 day versus 5 day transfers but I feel a little better about the 3 day now.  I know we could have waited till day 5 but I def. wanted 2 put back.  Since this whole journey is out of pocket for us, I thought it best to try to maximise the chance of coming home with one sticky bean!

Next Friday seems so far away... my dad leaves on Wednesday so I may test that morning to see, but I have no clue yet.  Already I can feel the need to pee on a stick LOL

Fingers crossed!!!

Triggering tonight

YAY!!!!!!

This mornings u/s went well, and as long as the blood work is good this afternoon we trigger tonight at 9:30pm, and are scheduled for retrieval Thursday morning!!  I'm very excited, but also want to throw up a little...

Lining was at 9mm - I didn't realise it could shrink but we will see what it is on the day of transfer I guess - Dr. H. seems happy enough

Follies: There were 11 above 12 mm (here are the numbers I recall - a 19, 3*18, 2*17, 15, 14) and 9 under 12mm.

Apparently due to the large number of small follies, I am at risk for OHSS, so I get to start taking a new med tonight after trigger for 8 days, fun times!

I am excited about triggering though - it is nice to not have to do stims tonight - just one shot :)

Another u/s, another day

I was hoping this morning there would be glorious rainbows and I would be told to trigger.. instead it was a grimy, miserable dark day and we need to be seen again tomorrow - ugh.

Today I have an 18, 3x17, 15, 14, 13, 12 and a 10, and 5 under 10mm.  I think I caught all the numbers - who knows.  E came back at 8265. Lining looks good.  No Suprefract tonight but I will take 150 Puregon and 75 Repronex, and see them tomorrow am for another u/s.

The nurse says it's like I am on 2 cycles, one where I have half ready now, and half that will need a few more days.  As they want to retrieve as many mature as possible they don't want to trigger yet.  So for now they are thinking ER will be either Thursday or Friday.

I've already shifted my days off around - I may end up moving them some more based on tomorrows ultrasound.  Fingers crossed we get to trigger tomorrow - tomorrow marks 3 years of starting TTC.

a small breakdown

I was thinking last week about how great I have been doing with the meds, no real side effects - a little pain and swelling, but nothing so bad.  I do feel myself getting irritated more with DH but  nothing that I can't handle, so I was completely unprepared for Saturdays outburst....

Friday night DH went out for some drinks with a buddy and came home pretty much sloshed.  I was fine with it, he slept on the sofa downstairs (since he passed out watching tv).  Saturday morning I was full of rage, I had a full blown screaming match with him, resulting in me having to leave the house... I was on the verge of tears all day.

I get so mad at the inadequacy of the whole thing, here I am not drinking alcohol, I switched to decaf, and have a max of 1 decaf coffee a day (most days I have 0), I limit my tea intake now also (2 cups max), I'm drinking plenty of water, trying not to stress, taking my vitamins and doing the stims.  I count 46 shots to date (with 4 more tonight)...  and what does he have to do.... He doesn't have the invasive ultrasounds, the monitoring b/w, the condescending comments about age...

I feel pretty bad about it though, he is trying to be supportive, but I literally was so furious I couldn't even talk to him.  I felt like I wanted to cancel the whole thing  [Obviously I'm not - the expensive is crazy and I'm not going through all those injections for nothing, but the illogical part of my brain just wanted to throw in the towel and scream.]

I left the house and wandered in town for 3-4 hours, then came home and cried, and he just held me.  I can feel his frustration, and he was hurt that I think he has not had to make any sacrifices.  He has stopped cycling and cut down on alcohol, but in the grand scheme of things I feel that the brunt of the burden is being carried by me.

We are okay now, and we can laugh at my crazy mood swing, but I am scared that my crazy mood swing wasn't exactly crazy, more of an honest, angry outpouring.  Is it so wrong for me to want full support during this - I just feel he could do more, like not drink for the month of the IVF cycle...

Monitoring u/s is tomorrow and I am hoping that we will be large enough for the RE to mention triggering - that would keep us on target for ER on Wednesday, otherwise I have to re-organize my work schedule :(

Day 6 - U/S & B/W

So today is Day 6 of the stims and we had our first real monitoring this am to see how well (or not) that I am reacting to the drugs!

The U/S shows 16 follicles, 5 on the right and 11 on the left, the largest is on the right at about 7mm.  Estradiol results will come back later this afternoon (655!).

For now I will wait to see about the drug dosage, I think the RE will keep me on my 75IU Puregon and Repronex, although he did mention he may do alternates so 1 day at 75, one at 150.  They definitely do not want more follicles, just growth now :)

** Update dose is now 150 Puregon, 75 Repronex tonight, regular tomorrow (75x2) and increased dose on Thursday (150/75), with monitoring on Friday!

My nurse mentioned that I have multi-follicular ovaries, just not PCOS, that's the first time I've heard that phrase, so I'll be doing some investigation now....

DH and I have a poll going for how many we think we will we will end up with, I've got my money on 11, he went with 10.  Only 9 days left till we can find out the winner :)

Infertility Survey

I saw this on a blog I follow, and liked it so much I thought I would share with my own responses....

Infertility Survey

1. Name of the future mommy to be?: K

2. Name of the future daddy to be?: R

3. How long has the future parents been together/married?: 14 years together, 11 years married!

4. When did you start trying to conceive?: October 2008

5. What is the hardest part of T.T.C?:  The uncertainty of unexplained IF, the feeling of failure every cycle that does not result in pregnancy, being lapped by friends who were pregnant when we were.  Watching other people fulfil my dreams :(   Being isolated and misunderstood/marginalized by fertile people.

6. What does the future mommy want to have?:  Ideally 2, a boy and a girl would be wonderful, but at this point a healthy baby is the top of my list

7. What does the future daddy want to have?: both.  

8. Is there a certain month or season you’d like to have the baby in?: When i was naive about TTC I wanted a baby born in summertime.

9. What are you looking forward to most when you finally conceive? 

being a mum, and holding my baby in my arms. 

10. What has been the best thing about the T.T.C. process?  I am stronger than I ever knew I could be, my DH and I have a better relationship. 

11. Pick out any names yet, for when the big day comes?:  We have potentials for both a girls and a boys name.

12. Any certain reason for choosing those names? The girls middle name is a family name. 

13. Do you know what T.T.C. stands for?: ...

14. What things do you do to check for when your fertile?: Right now we are undergoing IVF1 so nothing, but usually I use the CBEFM, and BBT along with CM checks.

15.Do you use Ovulation Tests? Yes - Clear Blue monitor. 

16. What does the future daddy do to help you with T.T.C. process: He supports me :) He is wonderful and accepting of my crazy mood swings and I love him more than I ever thought was possible.  

17. How long do you plan on continuing the T.T.C process?: Undecided.

18. Will you consider In-Vitro or any other type of Infertility medicine?: On first IVF cycle now.

19. Have you had your pre-conceiving physical?: No, but have since had all the testing done

20.How many children would you like to have?: The plan was 2-3, we will see what happens.

21.Have you started buying some baby stuff?: No, I can't bear it since our first loss.

22.Any books that you’ve read that have been helpful?: None that helped us conceive, but one or two that helped me emotionally deal with the process. 

23.Is your family and friends supportive of deciding to T.T.C.?: My family does not know, I have told 3 close friends - that has been helpful.  

24. Have you made any BIG changes in your life to help you conceive? If we heard about it we've tried it... no caffeine, no alcohol, no soy, eating pineapple, eating yams, acupuncture, herbs, IUI and now IVF.

25.Have you abstained from alcohol and drugs? Alcohol has been severely limited, abstaining during and the month before IVF.  Drugs don't come onto the table.

26.So if you unfortunately do not conceive, then what?: not sure what the plan is, most likely save up for adoption.

27.Are you healthy enough to be pregnant?: Yes, I am carrying a little extra weight (3years of IF will do that to you!), but I am healthy enough.

28.Do you really think your ready to be a parent?: Yes, although who can ever be truly ready.  All i know is that our baby would be loved and cherished and raised responsibly in a healthy home environment..

29.Any advice for other woman out there T.T.C.?: Try to remain hopeful

Supressed!

So today is CD3 and it's time to get this train started.

Baseline ultrasound showed everything was quiet, they took my blood for the Estradiol check, and I'll get those results later today.  But I got my first set of meds (and first bill - ugh).

Puregon 75ml and Repronex 75ml starting tonight.  Any helpful hints and tips on how to make the injections as painless as possible?

The nurse said we are starting on low doses as I have a lot of follicles, they didn't give me a number but I'm assuming that's good.  My RE tries to limit the number of eggs to around 9-10, I'm hoping I respond well and get around that number, it could mean a lot less issues in the future :)

I am so excited to be starting this, DH stored the meds next to the eggs in the fridge... it was his good luck gesture :)

So if all goes well, it will be HCG trigger on the 3rd Oct, ER on the 5th and then ET on the 10th, right in time for thanksgiving!

Cycle Day 1

So AF has finally arrived, late but she's finally here - which means our first IVF cycle is now in play!!

My first Estradiol and Ultrasound appt are booked for Thursday am (CD3) and then I get my full protocol.  I am excited, nervous, apprehensive and both looking forward and dreading the next few weeks.

If all goes well, ER is predicted 5 October? with 5day transfer being the 10th? and a test date of the 19th?

My dad just called and he wants to come visit, and has picked flights arriving on 5th October, leaving the 19th!  I'm taking this to be a good sign and not one to stress out about!  I haven't told my parents what we are doing so I guess I'll be outing myself when he arrives, on oath of secrecy!

I told 3 RL friends, 2 local and 1 far away, last week that we were going down a more invasive route with the doctors, and it's really helped me I think.  Having someone I can call on a bad day will be a welcome relief, rather than trying to hold it all in.

I have 7 days of PTO left an I figure I want them for the post ET stage?  What do you ladies think? Is ER worse and I should take some then?

13DPO, waiting for AF

So I POAS this am and BFN.  I wasn't surprised. I was really, really hoping that this would somehow be a miracle cycle and I wouldn't have to do IVF, but no joy!

So I anxiously await AF, I hear Suprefract can slow things down a little, but I am hoping she arrives by Sunday.  I want to get my baseline u/s and monitoring done and get on the IVF train.  The plan is 75IU Repronex and 75IU Puregon, I will watch the dvd provided by the clinic over the weekend to see how to mix and do the injections :)

The Suprefract injections are getting so much easier - it's crazy I was so worried about them and they are so simple.  No more bruising, they are still a little itchy sometimes but it's all good.

C'mon AF, I want my protocol with dates!!

Injections begin and Pregnant Visitors

So, it's been a wee bit since my last post because we had relatives visiting.  My brother-in-law and his wife came for a few days and I was expecting it to totally suck!

So here's a sum up of the visit and the IVF preparations!

The reason for the relative suckiness... my sister-in-law (SIL) is 19wks pregnant... yup and her EDD is 4 days after our EDD would have been if we hadn't had the second miscarriage. And you know what... it was a lovely visit.  My SIL didn't constantly discuss her pregnancy, I was able to ask her questions and genuinely be happy for her, she was so kind and considerate. Sure, some bits were hard, but they did not let the pregnancy dominate the visit.

Here's an example as to how considerate she is, they found out they are having a girl, and their second choice name, was the name DH and I had picked when we were pregnant in 2009.  When I told her, she immediately said it wasn't a problem and they wouldn't use that name.  We chatted about it some more later, cause i felt bad, and I said that I would be okay with them using it if they wanted and that we weren't even sure that we would use it in the future.  She was such a sweetheart and re-affirmed that they would not use that name.

They left on Friday.  It really was a wonderful visit, and I miss them now they are gone.  We have made plans to meet up next year for Christmas and spend it with them.  I am truly lucky to have some in-laws that are not crazy!

My mum called me Saturday morning, she is not aware of our IVF journey, and started telling me about my brothers wifes (BW) IVF experience.  I don't talk with my brother but I did know she was going for IVF - my mum can't keep anything private (thus the not knowing about our IVF).  I've reached out a few times to my BW, but she's not been interested.  They have been TTC for 7years, and as sad as that makes me, they have not been doing a lot to improve their chances.  I know I shouldn't judge, but I think if you are having issues conceiving you would at least be willing to quit smoking.  They still drink, smoke (not just cigarettes), and party like they are in their late teens *rant over*  

So, all data on this is secondhand so some sounds odd to me..., my BW did IVF back in August on the NHS, she did the injectables stims, and apparently over responded, she got OHSS (ouch) and they retrieved 22 eggs and said they have to wait and do a FET when she recovers.  They told her she produces too many eggs and they are all immature, but then mum said all 22 fertilized and were frozen on day 3.  I'm pretty sure my mum got some of the facts wrong... but I feel for her, she was really sick and ended up on Warfarin and spent 3 days in hospital. Her FET will be considered IVF #2, and the NHS does a max of 3 with only one embryo transfer.  

So that night I started on the Suprefract injections because I can't take BCP.  Apparently not taking BCP means you need less drugs so that is a bit of a bonus!  I was terrified about doing the injections and got a wee bit emotional, this may have been helped by earlier phone call, and at 7:25pm Saturday I gave myself my first shot in the belly.  It was okay, the liquid stung a bit going in, and left a nice welt on my stomach, but it was gone by the next day.  Sundays injection was harder, I had to select a new injection spot, so I'm going clockwise around my belly button, this one didn't sting at all so that was a bonus.  I am bloated and bruising though! YAY :(

Still not as awful as I thought it would be - makes a nice change.

I've decided to do the shared risk plan with our RE - it works out $600 more if we only need the one, and given how much we have to invest I feel that it's worth it for the safety net.  If we go onto need a second IVF we will save over $3000, and even more for a third.

I am feeling hopeful that we will not need to go there though.  I want to convince our RE to transfer 2 blasts and I will be hoping that we come out of this experience with a LO.  October is our 3 years TTC anniversary, I think it's time that we finally get a sticky pregnancy.

Congratulations if you got all through this post! I think this is the longest one yet :)

Protocol will be written up properly with dates as soon as AF arrives (if she arrives), expected to start 18/19thSep, so we could be looking at the retrieval early Oct.

Sonohysterogram done and a protocol!

So today I had the Sonohysterogram done, it was a little painful, but it was over pretty fast!  It all looked good, and my sample will be sent off for biopsy now.  It took less than 10 minutes once they finally got started.  My appointment was at 11:45 and I was finally seen at 12:30.  I hate waiting, especially on things like this, and I had taken my pain pills when supposed to so they were wearing off by the time they finally saw me.

After that we did the orientation at the clinic, they gave us a big binder of details and forms and sat us down to discuss all the options.  I will re-read them all tomorrow I think - there was a lot of details.

I got the draft protocol, as it all depends on when I ovulate this month and when AF starts.  Basically on Day 21 (as long as I have ovulated) I will start on Suprefract (Lupron) and stay on it right through.  Then when AF arrives I call the clinic they will plug in the dates and will give me a proper timeline, but I will be on low doses of Repronex and Puregon for the 9-12 days, and then we will do the retrieval.  After that I get to stay on Suprefract, add in an anti-biotic, start taking Heparin (because of a previous DVT) and then we cross fingers till the 5 day transfer, and then for the 2ww.

I am hoping on transferring 2 blasts, although my clinic will try to limit the transfers I think.

The clinic offers a low risk option with ICSI being cheaper and the next cycle being half price, but you have to buy the drugs from the clinic and they appear to be a LOT more expensive.  I costed the drugs out at 3 different places (bearing in mind I may need more drugs at some point) but based on 10 days of stims here are the costs:

Ivfmeds.com      -   802.22
Local Pharmacy - 1182.00
RE Office          - 1775.00

The above costs are for 900ml Puregon & 10x75ml of Repronex.  I will also need to get Estrace, Prometrium, Suprefract, Doxycycline, Asprin and Heparin (but these are covered under my insurance at 80% coverage - YAY!) I need to add in HCG too.

So the ICSI is $6000 + meds, or the premium package (risk shared) is 5,500 if you buy the meds from the doctor and the second round would be 3000.

So 2 rounds buying the meds ourselves would be 13,604, or 2 rounds special with the RE = 12,050.  Its such a hard choice to make, because I am so hoping we only need 1 round..  I should probably check if the second round at 3000, is a FET or a fresh cycle.

So many things to think about but its all moving ahead and looks like our retrieval and transfer will be early October!! Woot!! Fingers crossed!!

Moving on

AF arrived early yesterday - completely unexpected - 2 full days early! Still this means that it's time to call the RE and start the ball rolling.  On CD 21 of this cycle we will start taking Lupron and then head onto IVF.  I'm terrified!  I got those butterflies making the call, and then got the answer machine. So waiting on a call back now!

I've been dealing with finances and my credit card company will give me a 0.99% APR till June 2012 so looks like I will supplement our savings using that - exciting!! At least I seem covered financially now.

I want to use IVFmeds to order the medication as that should work out about 50% cheaper than the canadian pharmacies - I'll be asking the nurses today to send me a list of the drugs so I can price it out.  I want to order them soon so I can avoid any shipping/customs delays!

Feeling optimistic - I can't believe that its so soon now - it's gone by so fast, but if everything goes well it means 2011 will end on a very positive note :D

IVF update

So Friday was our IVF consult, we got to the RE's office and they were running behind - we waited 50 minutes to see the RE, which meant our 3:30 appt became 4:20 - and the clinic closes at 4:30...

So we sit down with Dr. H, and he explains he is stumped, the follicles counts are good, the sperm is good, all our tests are great, but since we have done 3 IUIs and nothing has happened he would not recommend anymore.  So the options left, continue trying naturally with a 3-5% chance each month or IVF with a  50% chance.

He would recommend IVF with ICSI.  It works out including drugs around $9000, but if it doesn't work the next cycle is discounted.  I asked questions about scarring from the D&C and he says there is none (big relief) and immune testing and although my tests have all been normal, we will do the blood tests again, and check vitamin B12 and Iron as I am vegetarian.

The bad note, leaving the money aside, is that they will only transfer 1 embryo.  That made me feel pretty bad, I was hoping they would transfer 2, given the cost of IVF and the fact that I desperately want it to succeed I would think the chances are much better with a transfer of 2...

So DH and I discussed and I think we are going to take a few months off while we save up the rest of the money, we are targeting October, so we call the clinic in Sept.  I can't go on BC so instead they will use another drug.

So I am trying to lose some of this excess IF-weight gain :( and get myself and our finances healthier for October - I am finally seeing a little glimmer of hope on the horizon - maybe 2011 can end as a good year!

Oh and on the weight front - 2lbs loss so far :)